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Nights

It’s the night’s that will be the worst. The quietness and darkness are the when the demons crawl from whats left of my heart and fill my head.

The anger, resentment and rage start to overcome the love, the disbelief and shock stifle out the smiles and belly laughter. Now my gut hurt from vomiting not laughter and my face from frowning, no more smiles, my eyes have no more tears left and my heart has trouble deciding on which rythm it will choose, seems to like SVT tho.

I’m not sure anymore what I am, you showed me a person that I never dreamed was inside of me, but I fear that person died on your porch.  You say you ” knew I’d leave.”  So was this some sick twisted test to gauge my commitment?

There absolutely has to be a reason other than ” I’m a horrible person! ”  And now the solution  is that I have to suffer in silence alone, while you continue to fuck him, ya know to “figure it out”

Why in the world should I be so dam niave to think this will ever be anything more than some sick twisted mind game?

You know our waitress, when I orderd your cake said to me ” congratulations, you two look like nothing in the world matters but each other, I’m jealous of your love ”  I mean the entire casino saw it. So why did you CHOOSE TO FUCK IT AWAY?

I need an answer, I like you,  need that closure. I’m sure I’ll never get it and all I’ll hear is how horrible you are. But these facts remain

1) you’re choosing to ignore his evil, and our love at the same time

2) you know that you were never going to be with me, and you know it now for certain!

3) the hatred you must have for me is actually greater than the love I have for you. ( and I cannot imagine anything greater than that )

I’m lost, now probably even more lost than you ever feared you were. So what do I do, where do I go, tell me what future there could possibly be for us, tell me something please something other than ” I’m a horrible person”  tell me why I should stop fighting these demons, stop reliving these last hours. Please just say anything that leads me to believe in anything that you said.

You had  no problem getting on here to bash, belittle and berate me. So please get on here or anywhere and tell me why I shouldn’t want him to do what we both know he will do. Why shouldn’t I chuckle at the fact that you’re now as smothered as I was, please tell me why I should not grin at knowing your his atm and he is only using you as his submissive concobine? Realistically, you want to blame me for finding him and then blame me for not leaving him, but who are you going to blame if I’m gone? Who’s the patsy when he beats your ass ? This CHOICE is yours. And I’d make one pretty dang fast, cause I don’t think I’ll be hanging round long, especially knowing that your staying with him, ” till you figure it out ”

Not sure how many nights I’ll be willing to fight this epic fight between loving you and pure hatred.

I hate nights, so now I’ll drink myself into an hour of sleep and do it all again tomorrow.

Groundhog day. This is my life

 

More to come ?

After spending an inordinate amount of time awake, thinking, driving, suffering I have to ask myself is there more to come ?

Reading and re reading blogs, letters, texts, and emails. Paying attention to dates and times, trying to except every ounce of blame that I can. Seeing so many discrepancies and admissions of this or of that. I’m wide awake all night long asking myself, was there ever more to come ?

More often than I’d like to admit, random drives to ” nowhere” yet always ending at the same place, seeing the same thing. Yes the backdrop never changed until recently but the foreground had so much to say.

Long drives home, contemplating the past(s) and whether there was ever more to come?

So many (un)conscious  decisions, so much fear, so many purposely laid paths to avoidance and even more positively spoken words and gestures of caring. What was to come?

“Sad eyes” saying so much more than any word or moment. It’s like an amimal in captivity, although doing the tricks and seemingly fine, a broken will always show a bent flute. So, was there eveny any more, that could come?

If you speak of the weight of writing on a wall, then why put on your wall how you compare one to the another, and dwell on one while with the other ? While ” knowing and fearing ” the same is happening to you? Did you know there was no more to come?

Life is full of pasts and we all have them, none more important or sad or exciting than our own and they all made us who we are. So NO, there is no way to know whats to come, after all ” life is just beach, waiting on the next wave ”

What’s to come at least for now; hard lessons, empty nights, thought filled days, regression and leaps full of progress. What’s to come is shame, pride, jealousy and “hits to the gut, ” turmoil between loving and letting go. Quite nights in “the closet” with unfinished conversations tucked neatly on the shelf. Joyful moments and wonders of …

Having letting those of our pasts, drastically impact our futures; is there anything to come, with anyone ?

Our futures stare at us daily, thirsty for our love, dying for commitment,  trying to understand what if any role they played in the tears and sadness we have both displayed. Maybe what’s to come, is simply showing them that we won ! Strength, resilience, empathy and the abilty to love again are what the future needs to see. As for what’s to come with you and me; well,  we both shall see…….

 

 

Why ?

As I sit here tallying my mistakes yet again, I’m forced to ask why ?  Why are all of my mistakes unforgiveable, why am I always to blame, why would you  lead me down a path knowing it will end in self destruction, what did you have to gain ?

My mistakes are plentiful, yes but never intentional! Hurtful yes, but never vengeful !  Forgivable, yes but never forgettable!  My past brought us together and it tore us apart. Our love kept us coming back to each other yet simultaneously pushed us away. When I read your blogs I want to cry, yet can only find pride for you, not pitty ! Everything that we have been through and everything that was said, leaves me tallying my mistakes and praying for yet another try, knowing it will not be on this day!

Weeks of ” honesty” and so many shared cries, leaves me asking why ?

Self destructive actions led us both to dark embarrassing places, yet we still yearned for one more look on each others faces.

You led me to believe you still cared, you told me you’re   “settling” for the now. Your words of your feelings and empty heart symbols leave me with nothing to say but WOW.

As I left the hospital today, with not one word from you in any way, it became apparent to me that the shoe was on the other foot. So I will take my broken body and mangled soul and my  face smeared with our loves soot, to live a different life. One where what I offer will be valued until I’m old.

You promised me understanding, you even  pretended to show that you  cared. Yet; all the while, you apparently only had the intentions of leaving me standing, wondering, crying and living unhappily out in the cold.

So as I wipe my eye, and promise myself not one more cry. I have only one simple question, WHY?

You knew where I was and where I had been, you told me that you could understand. You promised empathy, and mimicked my desire. I guess the flame you speak of, only burns of  the fires of anger and resentment.

When you decide to be honest with yourself and truly look inside, maybe you will see the horrible things you did to me. Fires only burn with needed air, fanning a flame once smothered does nothing but tease the ember. So when you decide to answer my question of WHY, please be honest and open to the idea of not ME but WE.

You knew from day one that I was broken and I begged you to not have me be the light in your sun. I told you that you had to find you, before you could ever call me the one . You insisted that it was true, that I was the one for you. You chased, overwhelmed and overpowered me, with only concerns of what you could  see. I asked for room to breath, begged for  this epic slide to be with ease, then I  ran and hid like a little kid. So then WHY would you take our love back ?

WHY speak of “D” so negatively, and promise a friendship just to then abandone me. Knowing that I changed, feeling my sorrow you kept promising some sort of tomorrow. WHY would you intentionally do to me, what I had done accidentally?

I love you more than words or a lawn ornament, and you knew it was real. So you found your strength and you found your fire, to crush my heart into tiny remnants of what should have permanent.

I’ll always forgive you, and have never stopped loving, unlike you to me. So; to you I publicly  say, best wishes and safe journeys, even tho they are without me. And should you find yourself wondering, all I will need is a simple question answered. WHY do this to me ?