Why ?

As I sit here tallying my mistakes yet again, I’m forced to ask why ?  Why are all of my mistakes unforgiveable, why am I always to blame, why would you  lead me down a path knowing it will end in self destruction, what did you have to gain ?

My mistakes are plentiful, yes but never intentional! Hurtful yes, but never vengeful !  Forgivable, yes but never forgettable!  My past brought us together and it tore us apart. Our love kept us coming back to each other yet simultaneously pushed us away. When I read your blogs I want to cry, yet can only find pride for you, not pitty ! Everything that we have been through and everything that was said, leaves me tallying my mistakes and praying for yet another try, knowing it will not be on this day!

Weeks of ” honesty” and so many shared cries, leaves me asking why ?

Self destructive actions led us both to dark embarrassing places, yet we still yearned for one more look on each others faces.

You led me to believe you still cared, you told me you’re   “settling” for the now. Your words of your feelings and empty heart symbols leave me with nothing to say but WOW.

As I left the hospital today, with not one word from you in any way, it became apparent to me that the shoe was on the other foot. So I will take my broken body and mangled soul and my  face smeared with our loves soot, to live a different life. One where what I offer will be valued until I’m old.

You promised me understanding, you even  pretended to show that you  cared. Yet; all the while, you apparently only had the intentions of leaving me standing, wondering, crying and living unhappily out in the cold.

So as I wipe my eye, and promise myself not one more cry. I have only one simple question, WHY?

You knew where I was and where I had been, you told me that you could understand. You promised empathy, and mimicked my desire. I guess the flame you speak of, only burns of  the fires of anger and resentment.

When you decide to be honest with yourself and truly look inside, maybe you will see the horrible things you did to me. Fires only burn with needed air, fanning a flame once smothered does nothing but tease the ember. So when you decide to answer my question of WHY, please be honest and open to the idea of not ME but WE.

You knew from day one that I was broken and I begged you to not have me be the light in your sun. I told you that you had to find you, before you could ever call me the one . You insisted that it was true, that I was the one for you. You chased, overwhelmed and overpowered me, with only concerns of what you could  see. I asked for room to breath, begged for  this epic slide to be with ease, then I  ran and hid like a little kid. So then WHY would you take our love back ?

WHY speak of “D” so negatively, and promise a friendship just to then abandone me. Knowing that I changed, feeling my sorrow you kept promising some sort of tomorrow. WHY would you intentionally do to me, what I had done accidentally?

I love you more than words or a lawn ornament, and you knew it was real. So you found your strength and you found your fire, to crush my heart into tiny remnants of what should have permanent.

I’ll always forgive you, and have never stopped loving, unlike you to me. So; to you I publicly  say, best wishes and safe journeys, even tho they are without me. And should you find yourself wondering, all I will need is a simple question answered. WHY do this to me ?

 

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Author: mistakes11

A lost soul

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