Nights

It’s the night’s that will be the worst. The quietness and darkness are the when the demons crawl from whats left of my heart and fill my head.

The anger, resentment and rage start to overcome the love, the disbelief and shock stifle out the smiles and belly laughter. Now my gut hurt from vomiting not laughter and my face from frowning, no more smiles, my eyes have no more tears left and my heart has trouble deciding on which rythm it will choose, seems to like SVT tho.

I’m not sure anymore what I am, you showed me a person that I never dreamed was inside of me, but I fear that person died on your porch.  You say you ” knew I’d leave.”  So was this some sick twisted test to gauge my commitment?

There absolutely has to be a reason other than ” I’m a horrible person! ”  And now the solution  is that I have to suffer in silence alone, while you continue to fuck him, ya know to “figure it out”

Why in the world should I be so dam niave to think this will ever be anything more than some sick twisted mind game?

You know our waitress, when I orderd your cake said to me ” congratulations, you two look like nothing in the world matters but each other, I’m jealous of your love ”  I mean the entire casino saw it. So why did you CHOOSE TO FUCK IT AWAY?

I need an answer, I like you,  need that closure. I’m sure I’ll never get it and all I’ll hear is how horrible you are. But these facts remain

1) you’re choosing to ignore his evil, and our love at the same time

2) you know that you were never going to be with me, and you know it now for certain!

3) the hatred you must have for me is actually greater than the love I have for you. ( and I cannot imagine anything greater than that )

I’m lost, now probably even more lost than you ever feared you were. So what do I do, where do I go, tell me what future there could possibly be for us, tell me something please something other than ” I’m a horrible person”  tell me why I should stop fighting these demons, stop reliving these last hours. Please just say anything that leads me to believe in anything that you said.

You had  no problem getting on here to bash, belittle and berate me. So please get on here or anywhere and tell me why I shouldn’t want him to do what we both know he will do. Why shouldn’t I chuckle at the fact that you’re now as smothered as I was, please tell me why I should not grin at knowing your his atm and he is only using you as his submissive concobine? Realistically, you want to blame me for finding him and then blame me for not leaving him, but who are you going to blame if I’m gone? Who’s the patsy when he beats your ass ? This CHOICE is yours. And I’d make one pretty dang fast, cause I don’t think I’ll be hanging round long, especially knowing that your staying with him, ” till you figure it out ”

Not sure how many nights I’ll be willing to fight this epic fight between loving you and pure hatred.

I hate nights, so now I’ll drink myself into an hour of sleep and do it all again tomorrow.

Groundhog day. This is my life

 

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Author: mistakes11

A lost soul

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